An Argument

There was an argument today. I am drained and sad.

What were we arguing about?

Who was right? Who was hurt? Who was human? Who was made in God's image and spat upon by incarnate weaknesses?

Can we come up on the other side encouraged and free?

Free from the evil thoughts that mull over what was said and if it was the tip of an iceberg of hurt.

The holy ones say to pray about it. I cringe and feel comforted simultaneously. I know God knows my heart. He knows my sincerity. He also knows my sinfulness. But would He really change anything?

Praying is for the one speaking the words.

Lord change me, right?

So to pray about an argument is to be willing to change even if the other person does not.

Am I willing? Will the iceberg emerge again? Or will God see fit to be the author of global warming in my soul, in our souls?

A bit fearful.

I was a bit fearful yesterday. Fearful that I cannot lose the weight required to be a donor. Fearful that we won't be a match. Fearful that the infection that caused the bone damage in my mouth will show up in my blood. Lord, please keep me on YOUR track and help me to accept YOUR plan today, and then tomorrow and the next day......... Amen.

P.S. I have lost 7 pounds in 7 days! It is not easy. If it were easy, everyone would be doin' it!!!

Reconciliation Day

One week ago Rob announced that we would be going to morning mass today and then reconciliation. That Heather and Abby were to write down 3 things to confess and go over the Act of Contrition. I don't know how that announcement would be for most Catholic families. For mine, it brought an apprehensive emotion that needs a little history to be understood.

Abby (10 years old) was not able to complete her 1st reconciliation when she was 7. She was painfully shy.

Even as a toddler, she would hide under a bed at family gatherings.

When the day of her 1st reconciliation arrived she walked into the church with tears in her eyes and stopped at the back of the church.

Her feet were not taking another step until those steps were leading her out of that building. She did not cry hysterically or make a scene.

But she was NOT going to reconciliation.

Donna (the secretary of the education office), was watching from a distance as we were bent over trying to console, coax and whatever else came to our mind. She knew Abby had met all the other requirements and attended CCD regularly, but that we were concerned. Father Phil had tried approaching Abby at church on Sundays as she would put her head down and hide behind us.

Father Phil and Donna conferred at some point while we were enthroned in our own family sancuary and Donna approached us. The decision had been made to let Abby receive her 1st communion without reconciliation. What a blessing.

Some who are more into rules than spirituality might disagree, but that day Father Phil ministered to us.

That history brings us back to March 2008. During this past week, Abby started a "Confession Journal". She wrote two pages describing what she thought were her sins and the stories that explained those sins. Coincindentally, her CCD class this week studied the Act of Contrition. She hand copied it off the white board during class and rewrote it in her journal at home. Today she carried that journal to church and then to reconciliation. I am so very proud of her, and I thank God for a priest who understands that my little girl's heart would be ready in her own time. I also thank God for a husband that is the spiritual head of our household. Oh what a beautiful morning.

"So now consider what he has done for you, and praise him with full voice. Bless the Lord of righteousness, and exalt the King of the ages. As for me, I exalt my God, and my spirit rejoices in the King of heaven. Let all men speak of his majesty, and sing his praises in Jeruselem."

Ironically, he is saving my life.

Two days ago I made the decision to offer my kidney to Steve Freucht.

He is on dialysis and the wait for a kidney right now is 18 months.

During the phone screening it was established that we could start the process, but I am overwieight.

Diabetes can be caused by being overwieight and is the #1 reason for kidney failure. I need to lose at least 40 pounds, preferably 50.

Yesterday I started living differently.

I am suffering. My body is very angry with me.

Help me God!

I have been killing myself with food.

The irony is that I am dieting to save someone's life.

In reality, he is saving mine!

People who need People

A dear friend wrote a blog about People who need people, saying that with little Eva's surgery this week he admits it is true. I also believe it to be true. What is puzzling is that I resist that truth. I don't want to need people. And yet, saying that feels so lonely. I want to be needed. How sad THAT truth is to me. I rob those who love me of the joy it gives when they are there for me. Heavy sigh...... because to change means to be needy?



I am surrounded by people who need people. I help where I can. It feels as if we all live in our own castle. Mine has a very wide mote with a huge drawbridge that only opens occasionally. Usually I am shooting darts of little bits of myself from the stone windows. Most who know me would disagree with all of this saying that I am a giving person. I do not have a response to that. There are many needs that are not met and not enough resources to meet them. I pray for God to help us see that we are a people who need people.

First timer

I have been inspired to blog. Yet I have not been inspired with a subject about which to blog.... My dear friend Gordon said to think more. So I will.